Monday, January 15, 2018

Fly killer!

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with  antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California
Courtesy: Readers' Digest

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Desserter!

The patient was very nervous as it was the first surgery he underwent.
The anesthetist gave him confidence with a few words of kindness and added, " Sir please rest assured that everything will go well.  If at all your life is endangered, it will be because of the anesthesia administered and definitely not by the surgery!"

Q: What do you call a person who doesn't stick to his diet? 
A: A desserter!

Woman to pharmacist:  "Can you give some vitamin tablets for my son?"
Pharmacist:  "Vitamin A, B, C or D?"
Woman:  "It doesn't really matter.  You give me any one of these tablets.  My son can't read!"

Source:  Readers' Digest  







Thursday, January 4, 2018

Christmas chores!

Q:  What do reindeer say before they crack a joke?
A:  This will sleigh you! 

Q:  Why did the couple get hitched on December 24?
A:  Because they could have a Married Christmas!

Q:  How do you lift a frozen car?
A:  With a Jack Frost!

Q:  Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
A:  St. Nickel-less!

Q:  Why didn't Rudolph get good report card?
A:  Because he went down in History!

Source: Readers Digest